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A Kidney Donor's Journey

Are you nervous?

4/28/2013

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"Are you scared?" "Are you getting nervous?" These are the most popular questions lately. I usually answer, "No," or make a joke about asking me again on my way into the OR, for a few reasons:
1. I think most people are really asking if I'm afraid of the actual surgery, and I'm not.
2. Although I believe people do genuinely care, I don't think they are usually inviting me to stop and share all my fears with them at the moment. 
3. I don't want people to think that because I am nervous or afraid, that it means I am doubting my decision. I am still completely confident in my choice to do this, but it doesn't mean I don't have fears.
But, as a doula and childbirth educator I'm always telling my clients the importance of voicing and releasing fears, so that's what I'll do.
My two biggest fears.
First, that it won't work. That my kidney will fail Teddy or that Teddy's body will reject it. That after 17 months of fighting, Teddy finally gets the chance at a break and doesn't get it. I like to think that I have, or will have, an appropriate sense of detachment to it all; I will do everything I can, and the rest is out of my control. That whatever the outcome is, it's part of the journey, and will be accepted. But that acceptance will come a lot easier if everything goes smoothly. :)
Second, the recovery.
I keep going back and forth about it. I have read a lot of people's stories about their recoveries, and on the one hand I want to think that because I'm young and healthy, I will have a quicker-than-average recovery with no problems. But I also don't want to set myself up for disappointment. I am afraid of getting frustrated by slow progress. I am afraid of going through gym withdrawals (and some might find that silly, but I love my gym and how I feel working out and the friends I have made there), and I am afraid of how long it might take to get back to the strength and endurance I currently have. I am afraid of wanting to go out and do things and spend time with people and just not feeling physically up to it. I am afraid of missing out on weeks of summer with my kids. I am afraid of needing help but not being able to ask for it. 
So there you have it. Of course I'm nervous. But even when I am running all the scenarios in my head, I still know this is the right thing for us.
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A four-year-old's take on kidney donation

4/12/2013

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Surgery is four weeks from yesterday! It still seems far away, but I know the next month will fly by. We'll be working on more fundraising ("like" Teddy's Facebook page for information on all the fundraisers, there are several!) and making arrangements for my hospital stay and our support afterwards.
I've been talking to my kids about the donation, and it's always interesting to hear their comments and questions. Teddy's mom gave us a cute book about a dog that got a new kidney from his 'big brother', so we've read that a few times. I told my kids that Teddy was sick and I was going to help him, and that a doctor was going to take one of my kidneys out of my belly and put it in Teddy's belly. My four-year-old's first question (my three-year-old has shown no interest in this topic, he just ignores us!) was, "Will the doctor get really little and you'll eat him?"
Well, no, he will make some cuts in my belly. "That will hurt!"
It would, but I will have medicine that will make me not feel anything (I don't want to tell him I'll be asleep, I'm paranoid about giving him fears about going to sleep himself! Also a reason I will never use sleep as a way to describe death!). "Oh."
Today, his comments included, "The doctor will use a really sharp knife to cut you." And we practiced our math by talking about how we have two kidneys, and because I am giving Teddy one of mine, I will have one left. "And you will grow a new one?" Nope, I won't grow a new one, I will just have one left. You have two kidneys, and so does your brother! Maybe when you're older you can give one of your kidneys to someone who needs it. "Yeah, and then we'll ALL have ONE kidney!"
We have watched Teddy's news stories a few times, and so anytime my kids see a toddler with tubes or other 'owies', they ask if it's Teddy. I was reading Camden's blog the other day and they asked if Camden was Teddy. 
So far, they seem to have no problem with the idea that I'll be in the hospital for a few days, and hopefully that continues. My husband has been in the hospital several times, so the kids know what it's like and aren't afraid of it, but they have never been away from me for so long. I am sure they will have a fun time with their aunt and Mammo, and probably won't even miss me. :)

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    About Me

    I'm a 29-year-old mother of two, donating a kidney.

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