"Are you scared?" "Are you getting nervous?" These are the most popular questions lately. I usually answer, "No," or make a joke about asking me again on my way into the OR, for a few reasons:
1. I think most people are really asking if I'm afraid of the actual surgery, and I'm not.
2. Although I believe people do genuinely care, I don't think they are usually inviting me to stop and share all my fears with them at the moment.
3. I don't want people to think that because I am nervous or afraid, that it means I am doubting my decision. I am still completely confident in my choice to do this, but it doesn't mean I don't have fears.
1. I think most people are really asking if I'm afraid of the actual surgery, and I'm not.
2. Although I believe people do genuinely care, I don't think they are usually inviting me to stop and share all my fears with them at the moment.
3. I don't want people to think that because I am nervous or afraid, that it means I am doubting my decision. I am still completely confident in my choice to do this, but it doesn't mean I don't have fears.
But, as a doula and childbirth educator I'm always telling my clients the importance of voicing and releasing fears, so that's what I'll do.
My two biggest fears.
First, that it won't work. That my kidney will fail Teddy or that Teddy's body will reject it. That after 17 months of fighting, Teddy finally gets the chance at a break and doesn't get it. I like to think that I have, or will have, an appropriate sense of detachment to it all; I will do everything I can, and the rest is out of my control. That whatever the outcome is, it's part of the journey, and will be accepted. But that acceptance will come a lot easier if everything goes smoothly. :)
Second, the recovery.
I keep going back and forth about it. I have read a lot of people's stories about their recoveries, and on the one hand I want to think that because I'm young and healthy, I will have a quicker-than-average recovery with no problems. But I also don't want to set myself up for disappointment. I am afraid of getting frustrated by slow progress. I am afraid of going through gym withdrawals (and some might find that silly, but I love my gym and how I feel working out and the friends I have made there), and I am afraid of how long it might take to get back to the strength and endurance I currently have. I am afraid of wanting to go out and do things and spend time with people and just not feeling physically up to it. I am afraid of missing out on weeks of summer with my kids. I am afraid of needing help but not being able to ask for it.
So there you have it. Of course I'm nervous. But even when I am running all the scenarios in my head, I still know this is the right thing for us.
First, that it won't work. That my kidney will fail Teddy or that Teddy's body will reject it. That after 17 months of fighting, Teddy finally gets the chance at a break and doesn't get it. I like to think that I have, or will have, an appropriate sense of detachment to it all; I will do everything I can, and the rest is out of my control. That whatever the outcome is, it's part of the journey, and will be accepted. But that acceptance will come a lot easier if everything goes smoothly. :)
Second, the recovery.
I keep going back and forth about it. I have read a lot of people's stories about their recoveries, and on the one hand I want to think that because I'm young and healthy, I will have a quicker-than-average recovery with no problems. But I also don't want to set myself up for disappointment. I am afraid of getting frustrated by slow progress. I am afraid of going through gym withdrawals (and some might find that silly, but I love my gym and how I feel working out and the friends I have made there), and I am afraid of how long it might take to get back to the strength and endurance I currently have. I am afraid of wanting to go out and do things and spend time with people and just not feeling physically up to it. I am afraid of missing out on weeks of summer with my kids. I am afraid of needing help but not being able to ask for it.
So there you have it. Of course I'm nervous. But even when I am running all the scenarios in my head, I still know this is the right thing for us.
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