Yesterday we were planning on leaving home about 6pm to head to our hotel near the hospital. I was ready. (Well, I was still getting the house ready.)
Around 2:30, Teddy's mom posted on Facebook that some of his lab results came back looking bad, and they weren't sure if it'd be okay to go ahead with the transplant.
I spent the next hour repeating, "It'll all work out, it'll all work out," and trying to remind myself not to stress over something I can't control.
My sister was planning on picking the boys up at 3 to go to a hotel to go swimming and spend the night, so she came and I said goodbye to them, still crossing my fingers that we were still on.
At 3:30, I missed a call from my coordinator's office. I called right back, but got voicemail. So I sat and anxiously waited 11 minutes for her to call me back. My coordinator was on vacation, so it was a co-worker or supervisor, I don't remember. She told me that the transplant was cancelled. That's all she could really say, as my team is separate from Teddy's team, and if she did have any other information she could not share it with me as it was confidential.
I can't identify exactly what my emotions were initially, but as soon as I hung up I started bawling (ok, I was barely able to keep it together enough to tell her thank you and bye). I was just devastated.
I've been on an emotional....tornado. I keep wanting to say 'rollercoaster', but it's not really up and down, just around and around.
Although I wish it wasn't my first reaction, I spent the first hour feeling sorry for myself. I had everything ready. Plans were in place and my kids were already gone and my bags were packed and I was just READY. Physically and emotionally. I was finally feeling good about recovery, my classes were arranged around the surgery date, we (my doula business partners and I) don't have any clients due immediately... I like to plan things and be in control of things and I don't always do well with change.
So then I started trying to think of the bright side. There are some business marketing opportunities I could now take advantage of. I could get started on some packing (we are planning on moving this summer). I get to go to the gym tomorrow!
And then the guilt set in. What does this postponement mean for me? I get to go on with my daily life. We cancel the hotel, my kids come back home, things are normal. But what does it mean for Teddy? His labs are not looking good (and you can read the specifics about all that on his mom's blog), and they don't know why. This transplant that he NEEDS is put off, for who knows how long. He is going to have many more tests and medications and all this time his kidney is probably getting worse. I am stressed about not being able to control my schedule, but Sarah has to worry about her son's LIFE. I should not be complaining.
But I am stressed, and that's okay. I know, and I think about it every day - all day long - that what I am going through is a lot easier than what Teddy is going through. But it's still hard, and especially because I hope potential donors read this, I think it's important to acknowledge that.
Teddy will be getting more tests done next week, and they need to determine why his labs are getting worse before we can reschedule surgery. I have NO IDEA when that will be. No clue whatsoever. Hopefully next week we'll know more. And that up-in-the-air feeling is hard for me to deal with. I have businesses to run and my best friend is having her first baby this summer. I like to have a plan!
But I have not wavered on my decision to donate. I have committed myself to helping Teddy, and I still plan to do so. It doesn't matter when. I got to a place of feeling READY, and I will get there again. I felt good about our plan for the kids while I was away and while I was recovering, and we will have that plan in place again. We had a meal calendar filled out, and people will sign up again (I was really looking forward to all the yummy food!).
And I will keep telling myself, "It'll all work out...It'll all work out..."
Around 2:30, Teddy's mom posted on Facebook that some of his lab results came back looking bad, and they weren't sure if it'd be okay to go ahead with the transplant.
I spent the next hour repeating, "It'll all work out, it'll all work out," and trying to remind myself not to stress over something I can't control.
My sister was planning on picking the boys up at 3 to go to a hotel to go swimming and spend the night, so she came and I said goodbye to them, still crossing my fingers that we were still on.
At 3:30, I missed a call from my coordinator's office. I called right back, but got voicemail. So I sat and anxiously waited 11 minutes for her to call me back. My coordinator was on vacation, so it was a co-worker or supervisor, I don't remember. She told me that the transplant was cancelled. That's all she could really say, as my team is separate from Teddy's team, and if she did have any other information she could not share it with me as it was confidential.
I can't identify exactly what my emotions were initially, but as soon as I hung up I started bawling (ok, I was barely able to keep it together enough to tell her thank you and bye). I was just devastated.
I've been on an emotional....tornado. I keep wanting to say 'rollercoaster', but it's not really up and down, just around and around.
Although I wish it wasn't my first reaction, I spent the first hour feeling sorry for myself. I had everything ready. Plans were in place and my kids were already gone and my bags were packed and I was just READY. Physically and emotionally. I was finally feeling good about recovery, my classes were arranged around the surgery date, we (my doula business partners and I) don't have any clients due immediately... I like to plan things and be in control of things and I don't always do well with change.
So then I started trying to think of the bright side. There are some business marketing opportunities I could now take advantage of. I could get started on some packing (we are planning on moving this summer). I get to go to the gym tomorrow!
And then the guilt set in. What does this postponement mean for me? I get to go on with my daily life. We cancel the hotel, my kids come back home, things are normal. But what does it mean for Teddy? His labs are not looking good (and you can read the specifics about all that on his mom's blog), and they don't know why. This transplant that he NEEDS is put off, for who knows how long. He is going to have many more tests and medications and all this time his kidney is probably getting worse. I am stressed about not being able to control my schedule, but Sarah has to worry about her son's LIFE. I should not be complaining.
But I am stressed, and that's okay. I know, and I think about it every day - all day long - that what I am going through is a lot easier than what Teddy is going through. But it's still hard, and especially because I hope potential donors read this, I think it's important to acknowledge that.
Teddy will be getting more tests done next week, and they need to determine why his labs are getting worse before we can reschedule surgery. I have NO IDEA when that will be. No clue whatsoever. Hopefully next week we'll know more. And that up-in-the-air feeling is hard for me to deal with. I have businesses to run and my best friend is having her first baby this summer. I like to have a plan!
But I have not wavered on my decision to donate. I have committed myself to helping Teddy, and I still plan to do so. It doesn't matter when. I got to a place of feeling READY, and I will get there again. I felt good about our plan for the kids while I was away and while I was recovering, and we will have that plan in place again. We had a meal calendar filled out, and people will sign up again (I was really looking forward to all the yummy food!).
And I will keep telling myself, "It'll all work out...It'll all work out..."
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